A few days ago here in the UK the BBC was running a story titled “The mothers who regret having children” where three women explained why they felt this way. I thought it was very honest of them to open up and admit something that our society might consider unnatural. And of course everyone had something to say about the topic.
I don’t want to criticize or qualify the feelings of a mum who feels this way. In fact, I identify myself with many of the feelings these mums have. The desire of not giving up on yourself because you have become a mum and the overwhelming responsibility it means where the ones I felt closer to my heart.
But regret doesn’t feature in list of feelings I have about motherhood. And not feeling it doesn’t make me better than those mums who are so conflicted about it. I am just grateful for being able to embrace motherhood and for being able to make my children feel the love I feel for them without holding back.
But hey! it is hard work and in many instances for a split second I wish I could turn the clock back and perhaps have lie down, travel more with Nathan or for work, have the energy to exercise, have more money available at the end of the month!
Perhaps my children eat far more chicken nuggets and chips they should and perhaps I am more attached to my personal and career aspirations than many of my fellow mothers around me think I should. But what they think doesn’t affect me too much. I already do a great job a feeling guilty and conflicted for my semi presence at home and the already long collection of not-very-proud parent moments just keeps getting longer.
But I can’t imagine not loving my boys the way I do. I can’t imagine not listening to the sound of their sweet little voices as they call my name: mummy. That magic word that has given so much sense to my life, so much confidence and self believe than I ever had. It is an extremely hard job but it is a privilege I have been given without having done anything to deserve it
If I want to come harsh on myself I could say I could do a better job. But I also know that I already do a good job. Not perfect, not as prescribed by children ”specialists”, just a good enough job. I am not interested in perfection and that doesn’t make me a worse mum.
If I could start all over again, I would choose to have my boys and Nathan in it a million times. I have absolutely no regrets.